Helping you build a relationship that works for both of you
Understand each other’s needs, know how to meet them and solve problems together
Hi, I'm Paul
More than 20 years ago, I was struggling to make my own relationship work. No matter what we tried, nothing seemed to create lasting change. It was a lonely and difficult time, living beside the person I had chosen to spend my life with but not knowing how to change what was happening between us.
My experience of counselling changed much more than my relationship. It inspired me to retrain as a psychotherapist and specialise in working with couples.
For the past 15 years, I’ve worked exclusively with couples.
I never forget what relationship difficulties can feel like when I’m helping others. I know how difficult things can become between two people who love each other, and how hard it can be to know what to do next.
Today, I work with couples in Caterham and the surrounding areas, as well as online.
Creating lasting change
When a relationship becomes stuck, lasting change often begins with understanding how you became stuck and what each of you needs to develop or do differently. What each of you needs may not be the same.
My psychotherapy training allows me to go beyond the problem you can see and understand what is happening within each of you, as well as between you.
This means we can look more closely at what is getting in the way: what is driving your reactions, what keeps certain patterns going, and what each of you may need for things to change.
That’s the depth of the work: not simply helping you manage problems, but helping two people develop in the ways their relationship needs so that real change becomes possible.
Why I know change is possible
I see relationships that have felt dead for years come back to life, and couples resolve things they have argued about for what feels like forever.
In my experience, how long you’ve struggled – or how complicated things have become – doesn’t decide what is possible.
- People can only do what they currently know how to do.
- Much of what keeps couples stuck is difficult to see or understand from inside the relationship.
- What we already know can be difficult to put into practice when our own patterns and sensitivities are triggered.
- With the right understanding, knowledge and skills, you can respond differently and change what happens between you.
These principles shape the way I work with every couple.
Working together
I know how hard it can be to get from where you are to where you want to be, and that talking about something as private and important as your relationship isn’t always easy.
I’m calm, patient and compassionate, and kindness and respect are at the heart of my values and how I work with you. I won’t judge either of you or take sides. We all say and do things we regret at times. I certainly did.
But kindness doesn’t mean simply sitting back and listening. I’ll be actively involved — helping you understand what is happening, identify what needs to change and supporting each of you as you begin doing things differently.
You’ll have a clear plan and know what we’re working on, why we’re working on it and what you need to do next, with step-by-step guidance along the way.
We work together, but the aim is that eventually you won’t need me.
Find out more
If you’d like to know more, you can read about how I work with couples, my background, what you can expect from counselling and how to get started.
If you think I might be able to help, or simply have a question, I look forward to hearing from you. I’ll always make time to talk with you, without any expectation that you need to take things further.
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