My Commitment to You
Why I do this work, how I think and what you can expect from me
Where it all began
I think one of the things that helps me be good at this is that I don’t like small talk. I’ve always been interested in what is really going on for people and what lies underneath the things we say and do.
Friends sometimes joke that meeting me for coffee means, “we’re all going to get therapy with a cup of coffee”.
It’s not exactly true however, my interest in psychotherapy became a passion and much more personal after experiencing counselling. At the time, I was struggling to make my own relationship work and didn’t know how to change what was happening between us.
That experience changed much more than my relationship. It changed the direction of my life. I retrained as a psychotherapist and eventually chose to specialise in working with couples.
For the past 15 years, I’ve worked exclusively with couples.
Learning through my own experience
I didn’t grow up with a particularly good model of what a healthy relationship looked like, and like most people, I brought my own experiences, assumptions and ways of responding into my relationship.
I made mistakes. There were things I didn’t understand about myself, things I didn’t understand about my partner, and things I simply didn’t know how to do differently.
Counselling helped me understand what my relationship needed from me and develop the ability to give it.
That experience has stayed with me throughout my professional life. It taught me that two people can love each other and genuinely want their relationship to work, yet still become stuck because one or both of them doesn’t yet understand or know how to give the relationship what it needs.
The thinking behind my work
I called my company Whole Psychology because it represented the way I believed therapy needed to work. Although these days I tend to work under my own name, the thinking behind it has never changed.
From the very start, I was only ever interested in therapy that delivered real change.
I knew from my own experience how hard it was to sit in therapy and not know where to begin or what to say — and how helpless it could feel when we couldn’t create the changes we needed.
That experience taught me that two partners don’t always need the same help, and that practical tools and new skills only make a difference if you can use them when you need them.
It shaped the approach I have followed ever since: working with the whole person as well as the relationship, and helping each partner with what they need for things between them to change.
What you can expect from me
I know how difficult it can be to trust someone with something as personal and important as your relationship.
I’ll be actively involved in our work together. I’m always listening, thinking and trying to understand what is happening – not only between you, but within each of you and what your relationship may need from you both.
I’m patient, supportive and encouraging. I won’t judge either of you or take sides. We all say and do things we regret at times. I certainly did.
At the same time, I won’t simply sit back and listen. When something needs to be understood, challenged or approached differently, I’ll help you see it and gently nudge you forward.
You’ll always know what we’re working on, why we’re working on it and what you need to do next.
Every session will be a step forward
My work with you doesn’t stop when the session ends.
I’ll continue thinking about what we’ve discussed, how the different pieces fit together and what will be most useful for you.
I’ll give you summaries, exercises and helpful information where appropriate, so you can continue the work between sessions rather than having to wait until we meet again.
I want you to understand what we’re doing, why we’re doing it and how it is helping you move forward.
After all these years
I’ve now worked with many hundreds of couples, but I haven’t lost the excitement I feel when I see two people experience the change they thought would never happen.
I also never forget the responsibility involved. When a couple sits in front of me and trusts me with something as important as their relationship, I take that trust very seriously.
Perhaps part of that comes from having once sat on the other side of the room myself.
I know what it is like to wonder whether things can change, whether somebody will really understand and whether counselling will actually make a difference.
That stays with me.
