Couples Counselling
Understanding what's happening between you — and how to change it
When things aren't working between you
I see couples at many different stages and with many different difficulties. You may be having the same arguments over and over but never resolving anything. Perhaps one or both of you reacts strongly or shuts down, you struggle to really understand each other, trust has been broken, or the affection and closeness between you has faded and you now feel more like flatmates than partners.
Whatever has brought you here, one of the hardest things is knowing how to change something that isn’t working between you, even when you both want things to be better.
Most partners know when something isn’t right and try to make it better. But when a relationship becomes strained, we don’t always have the skills, knowledge or understanding to know what to do differently.
Instead, we fall back on familiar ways of behaving. Sometimes things break down as soon as an issue is raised; other times partners struggle to understand each other, attempts to resolve things don’t work, or changes don’t last.
The issue may change, but couples find themselves back in the same negative dynamic.
Once caught in it, empathy is lost and partners react rather than respond, making problems much harder to solve. One may withdraw while the other pushes for change, but both can end up getting the opposite of what they really want.
Over time, frustration and hurt can turn into resentment and disappointment, leaving partners feeling lonely or living at a distance, right next to each other.
The truth is, no one teaches us how to be in a relationship. For most of us, it’s trial and error.
But these are things we can learn.
When both partners want their relationship to work and are willing to learn and invest in it, I see relationships that have felt dead for years come back to life, and longstanding problems that once seemed impossible to solve get resolved.
As clients often tell me, “It’s like the ‘us’ is back.”
This time, though, they know how to protect what they’ve rebuilt
A more complete approach
I don’t just see a couple and the difficulties between them. I see two people, each with their own history, sensitivities, patterns and personality. I therefore work with three things: you, your partner and the relationship between you.
My psychotherapy training enables me to understand what is happening within each of you, as well as between you, including deeper issues driving difficulties in your relationship.
Alongside this, I provide relationship knowledge and practical guidance, coaching you in the skills needed to make changes.
Throughout, I’ll guide you with warmth, patience and sensitivity, helping you resolve what brought you here while enabling you to build and protect your relationship for the future.
The six areas every relationship needs
I’ve simplified the psychology of relationships into six areas. Together, the six areas provide partners with what they need to resolve difficulties, build the relationship they want and protect it for the future.
As you read through them, you may recognise one or more areas that you or your partner could benefit from working on. Together we’ll identify what each of you needs and create a plan for change that works for you both and for your relationship.
The skills that support all six areas
Throughout our work, you’ll develop the core skills that help you listen to and understand each other, recognise and respond to emotion, remain empathic when conversations become difficult, and communicate what matters without becoming defensive, withdrawing or falling back into familiar patterns.
These skills help you stay connected when emotions are involved and talk safely about the things that matter.
1
Understanding Yourself
Awareness of your own emotions, triggers, reactions and patterns, where they come from, and how they affect the way you relate to your partner.
2
Understanding Your Partner
An understanding of your partner’s emotional world – what they feel, what things mean to them, what they need, and what lies behind their reactions.
3
Core Relational Needs
The fundamental needs we all have within close relationships, which matter most to each of you, and what happens between you when those needs don’t feel met.
4
Creating Intimacy
The emotional and physical closeness between you – what creates it, what gets in the way, and what allows intimacy to grow and be maintained.
5
Resolving Difficulties
How you handle differences, disagreement and strong emotion – including what happens to empathy, connection and your ability to find solutions when things become difficult.
6
Protecting Your Relationship
What keeps your relationship healthy over time – including connection, emotional safety, intimacy and your continued investment in each other.
What you’ll be able to do
When we’ve identified what each of you needs from the six key areas to resolve your current difficulties, you’ll also leave able to:
- Have difficult conversations without them becoming arguments that lead nowhere.
- Resolve problems together rather than having the same ones come back again and again.
- Understand each other emotionally and what lies behind your reactions.
- Break the patterns that keep hurting your relationship.
- Know what each other needs to feel loved, valued and connected.
- Feel comfortable being yourself and talk openly about what you feel and need.
- Stay connected and empathic even when you disagree.
- Repair hurt and rebuild trust, respect and emotional security.
- Create and maintain emotional and physical intimacy.
- Work together as a team and protect your relationship for the future.
Your new way of being together
We don’t go back and fix the existing relationship. Instead, you learn new ways of being together — understanding what happens between you and knowing how to work through difficulties when they arise.
Over time, this becomes your natural way of being together — understanding each other, solving problems together and protecting the relationship you have built.
And that’s exactly how it should be.
Fees
£140 — 75 minutes
I don’t believe you should have to pay until you’ve experienced what it’s like working together and decided you’d like to continue. Our work needs to feel right for both of you and for me, and I don’t believe you can really know until we begin.
I offer 75-minute sessions to give us the time to understand what is happening and work through it together without feeling rushed.
Taking the next step
If you’d simply like to know more or ask a few questions, please feel free to call me. I’ll always make time for you.
When you’re ready to meet, you’ll find everything you need to know on the Getting Started page, including what to expect from your first meeting, how we begin working together, and why I approach it differently.