Have you ever found yourself becoming incredibly angry or deeply upset over something that, afterwards, even you felt didn’t quite match what had happened?
Perhaps your partner forgot to reply to a message, interrupted you, or made what seemed like a small comment. Yet your reaction felt enormous. Afterwards, you may even have wondered, “Why did I react like that?”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. It’s something I see regularly in my work with couples.
It isn't always about what's happening today
One of the biggest misunderstandings about emotions is believing they are only caused by what is happening in the present.
Sometimes they are.
But often, today’s situation touches something much older.
The forgotten text, the criticism, the raised voice or the feeling of being ignored may be happening today, but the emotional impact can be much greater because it connects with experiences from your past.
Anger isn't always the real emotion
Anger is often the emotion we see, but it isn’t always the emotion underneath.
Many people become angry when what they are actually feeling is hurt, frightened, rejected, lonely or ashamed.
Anger can feel easier than vulnerability. It protects us, gives us energy and creates distance from feelings that are much harder to experience.
For example, if your partner forgets something important to you, your anger may not simply be about what they forgot. Underneath it may be the fear that you don’t matter or the hurt of feeling unimportant.
The anger is real.
But it may not be the whole story.
Why tears can seem to come from nowhere
The same is often true of tears or overwhelming upset.
A seemingly small event can trigger emotions that feel far bigger than the situation itself.
This happens because the situation today has touched something much older.
Perhaps you grew up feeling unheard, criticised or emotionally alone. When something similar happens in your relationship, those old feelings can come flooding back.
You are reacting to today, but the emotional impact is linked, in part, to your past.
An old pattern can come to life
This is where many people become confused.
They believe they are reacting only to what is happening now.
But often, an old emotional pattern has been triggered outside of their awareness.
The current situation acts like a switch, bringing an old pattern to life. Suddenly the emotional impact feels much greater than the situation itself because part of your reaction belongs to experiences that happened long ago.
This doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real.
They are.
It simply means there may be more influencing your emotions than you realise.
Why couples become stuck
When this happens in a relationship, couples often end up arguing about the reaction instead of understanding it.
One partner says, “You’re overreacting.”
The other replies, “You don’t understand how hurt I am.”
Both are describing their own experience, yet neither feels understood.
The problem isn’t always the event itself.
It’s that an old pattern has become part of the present without either partner recognising it.
Understanding creates change
One of the most important parts of therapy is helping people recognise these hidden patterns.
Once you can see them, they no longer control you in the same way.
Instead of simply reacting, you begin to understand why you react.
That understanding creates choice, and choice creates change.
This is one of the key principles behind my work with couples. Helping each partner recognise the emotional patterns operating outside of their awareness allows them to stop fighting the symptom and begin understanding the cause.
If you’d like to learn more about how I help couples identify and change these patterns, you can read more on my Couples Therapy page.
Understanding your emotions isn’t about blaming the past.
It’s about recognising how the past can quietly shape the present so that it no longer has to.