Over the years, I have sat with many people – and experienced moments myself – when we felt certain about what was being “done” to us.
A phone call or text goes unanswered. Someone is continually late. A partner goes silent for hours or doesn’t turn up as agreed.
In the moments that follow, blame, judgement and assumptions can take hold. We become so sure of another person’s motives, or their lack of care, that we begin condemning them before they have even spoken.
Yet when we put those three things aside, we create space to find out what actually happened and what the other person was thinking. So often, there is a simple explanation – one that has little to do with what we imagined, and nothing to do with a lack of care.
In my work, I see how destructive blame, judgement and assumptions can be. They keep couples repeating the same painful patterns, with neither stopping to listen and understand.
Understanding does not mean dismissing our hurt or overlooking repeated behaviour. It means giving ourselves a chance to respond to what actually happened, rather than what we assumed it meant.
This is a lesson I carry into my own relationships: pause, ask and listen.
When we make room for understanding, we protect the connection between us.